5 Coaching Concepts I'm Using to Help Me Right Now
So far, 2023 has not been the best year for me. Without wanting to dwell too much on the details, because it’s just not that useful at this stage of things, I can say that this year had me revisiting some old stomping grounds (to co-opt the most overused expression of the year, I’ve been in my Depressed/Anxious/What the Fuck Am I Actually Doing era. It’s been fun).
As a quick aside: I won’t use this post to go into the myriad of ways that therapy and coaching differ and when-to-use-which-for-what (I wrote a bit about that here if you’re interested) but I say with a massive DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor or licensed therapist, and everything I write about here regarding depression or anxiety is based on my own personal experience. If you’re struggling, see a therapist or talk to your doctor ASAP. Life is too short to struggle with your own mind and there are options and resources that will help you.
OK - with that said - I’ve been tapping into a bunch of resources and tools over the last few months to try to get myself out of this Zombie Fog and back to my normal state (which is usually more like a Sometimes Moody but Generally Ambitious and Upbeat Haze). While progress usually isn’t linear (and mine this year certainly hasn’t been), there are a number of coaching tools and concepts that have been helping me get back to being myself. So here are the goods:
Separating facts from thoughts
One of the pillars of the coaching I do is built on the idea that circumstances are facts in our lives that we can’t change, and thoughts are actually choices (we usually aren’t aware that we’re choosing them, but we are), and we can change those. This distinction becomes important when your brain (like mine) is in spin cycle of crap and nonsense, and is really, really sure that it’s an absolute fact that your boss is a nightmare or your goals are impossible or your partner isn’t helpful or there’s never enough money or you’re friend hates you….the list goes on. But none of these things are facts/circumstances. They’re thoughts. We know this because a fact is something that is universally accepted, undisputed, or could be proven in court - everything else is just a story in your brain. Which means you can change it. The process of HOW to change your thoughts is for another post, but the point I want to make here is that it’s possible. When I’m really spinning out about something, and I make a list of what’s actually a FACT (which tends to be a pretty short list), and what’s just a thought that I’m choosing (the longer list) - just doing that alone can be helpful in starting to shake out of my garbage thinking and move on to something more useful.
2. Getting coached
Well this one is obvious but it’s also the truth - coaching helps. Therapy is essential if you’re dealing with a diagnosis of depression or anxiety - there’s no substitute for that. But for more moderate “blahs” or apathy, a coach can be really helpful in kicking your ass into motion. Therapy will provide you with a diagnosis and help you unearth the root causes of your challenges. Coaching will look at where you are now, where you want to go, and how to get yourself there. Coaching works. It’s that simple.
3. Starting small
This next concept is a take on James Clear’s multi-whatever-gazillion selling book, Atomic Habits. In it, he talks about the idea of creating a new habit by making it very simple (what part of it can you do in 2 minutes?) and sandwiching it between two other habits you’re already doing with ease or enjoyment. For me, what’s been most useful when I can’t motivate myself to do something I know will help me get out of this funk (in other words, something I want to want to do), is to break it down to its smallest step that I know I can accomplish, and do that. So if I want to go running but I can’t motivate myself, I’ll do a short walk instead. Now this sounds like an obvious suggestion - but the key here that I want to highlight is that it's not just simplifying the action to get yourself to do something when you feel like doing nothing, but you need to also change your thinking about it. So for me, my (super fun, not-at-all-a-total-asshole) brain likes to say shit like, “There’s literally no point in walking. If you can’t run don’t bother doing anything because walking is stupid and pointless and for people who can’t be runners. So have fun with that.” Helpful, right? So instead, I have to pull up a thought that I believe (that's the only way this works) that will still create a feeling of motivation (since feelings are what trigger us to act) and that’s more useful than “Walking is stupid”. In my case, the thought I pull is something like, “Yeah walking IS stupid but if I walk today maybe I’ll feel like running tomorrow”. It's not creative or pretty. But it works.
4. Naming the feeling
This one also probably sounds obvious or maybe even a little lame or woo, but naming a feeling is actually one of the secrets to mastering your feelings (and therefore, mastering your actions and results, since it’s our feelings that trigger how we act). We tend to want to skip right over this - we feel like shit so we just eat or sleep or drink or Insta scroll or do anything but actually say “wow I feel like shit….and specifically I feel sad/mad/disappointed/embarrassed/let down. Naming the feeling is a really easy way to start to realize that what we’re feeling is a REAL thing that's causing a REAL reaction in our bodies. Yeah it's easier and usually more fun (for a moment anyways) to numb the negative feeling you feel rather than name it and actually acknowledge it, but if you want to feel better faster naming the feeling is a great step in that direction. Trust me: as I write this, I’m sitting at an airport on a 6 hour flight delay, shoving a life-sized bag of CheezIts in my face…which won’t solve any of my travel woes, of course. How much more productive would it be if I just named the damn feeling (“I feel frustrated about my flight delay”) and sat with it for a minute…..It would save me excessive snack fees and a sodium-surge I’m about to experience if I just did.
5. Setting goals
This one is key. It may seem like the hardest thing in the world to sit down and write out a list of goals you’re in a “everything is hard and shitty” fog, but part of the reason we can fall into the Blah Malaise in the first place is because we may have given up on a goal, or lost our way trying to achieve one, or we haven't set one at all and we’re therefore kind of directionless...nothing says “blah” like having a lack of purpose. And without a goal we lack purpose. Now calm the F down before you start thinking that what I’m talking about os setting a goal to run a marathon or pay off your mortgage in the next 12 months or lose 30 lbs or move into the C-suite….If that gets you fired up then by all means, go with God here and blessings to you. But for most of us, in this stage of things, we’re setting and accomplishing goals every day - you may have a goal to get your kids to school on time, or to finish a work project before the deadline, or to actually put your phone down at dinner time. Big or small, it doesn't matter. Goals give us a focus, a purpose, a direction - and when you’re feeling lost or down or apathetic, that’s exactly the kind of thing that can help get you up and going again. Set a goal. I don’t give a shit if it’s to write a novel or make up with your mother or to actually floss twice a day. Just set a goal, set a deadline for it, and get going.
Try one or all of these, it doesn’t matter...just do something to get started. There is nothing wrong with you because you may feel depression, or lack energy, or feel a little lost, or are in a WTF Am I Doing Anymore Era of your own. You’re a human and part of that deal is that sometimes being a human is a total dumpster fire of shit. Let yourself wallow. Lick your wounds. Be bummed, for a little while anyways. And then as soon as you’re ready to see an end to this particular era, grab one of these tools and put it to use.
You’ve got this.