What to Do When it’s Just Not Working
Sometimes, shit just isn’t working.
You’re trying - really trying - to make something happen. You’re working towards a goal, an outcome, a result that you’ve been wanting forever. You are up late at night and again early in the morning. You’ve worked through the mindset drama and the opinions of others. You’ve gotten to the point where you just know this is something you want badly enough to make big changes and sacrifices for. So you keep putting in the work….
And nothing is happening.
The scale isn’t moving.
The boss isn’t noticing.
The sales aren’t coming.
The relationship isn’t changing.
The bank account isn’t blowing up.
The wins aren’t happening as promised. Your hard work isn’t being rewarded.
So you think, “Why bother?” and decide to give it all up.
And no one would blame you. Most people who work towards something and don’t see results (and see them quickly), don’t keep going. Most people think “Why bother?” and just stop. Most people wouldn’t be surprised or judge you for doing the same, because that’s what they would do (and we like to see people do what we would do….).
Whenever we set a goal, aim higher, or try to achieve something we haven’t achieved before, we’re going to scare the shit out of:
your brain, and
other people
Your brain doesn’t want you to go for something new, whether it’s a weight loss goal, a new job, a new type of relationship, a new skin care routine, or anything else, big or small, because your brain isn’t wired to like NEW. New is scary to your brain, because new = unfamiliar, and unfamiliar is risky. Since your brain’s #1 job is to keep you alive, it’s not a big fan of risky. And so, whether it’s an emotional risk or a physical one, your brain’s first response to a new goal is “Oh hell no”.
Other people, often, will do the same. You will want to change careers and your well-meaning parents will tell you it’s not a good call since the economy is bad and you’re doing so well where you are…..Your partner will say the financial risk is too high for the family right now…..Your friends will ask you if you’re REALLY sure….And none of this will have anything to do with you. It will have everything, instead, to do with their own well-meaning, risk-averse brains. If you make a change, they might need to look at themselves and think, “Could I ever do that?” And their brains will be sure to tell them, “NO” and then, we’re off to the Hell No Don’t You Go races.
If it’s not their brains its yours, if its not your brain its theirs, and more than likely its some of both.
Now add this mountain of well-meaning fear mongering and doubt to the fact that whatever you’re trying isn’t “working”, and let’s see how much longer you really hang in there for. Most likely, the answer is, “Not long at all” and most likely, you are walking away from your goal despite all of your best efforts to ignore the naysayers and push against your own fear and make it happen…..
And it’s a big fat fucking bummer. Because this is how most people go through life.
So what do you do instead? Sit at home watching other people’s lives on Hulu with your ambition and potential on the couch next to you?
Nah.
You start by first changing your thinking (you knew that was coming). When something isn’t working, the first thing you need to do is:
Define exactly what you mean by “isn’t working” (is the scale not moving? Is the credit card balance still not at $0.00? Is the job search still returning no offers? Is the new morning routine not sticking?). Ask yourself what would “it’s working” look like, and be clear on that.
Then, you start by looking for evidence that tells you progress IS happening, even if your initial or the traditional sign that “it’s working” is saying otherwise.
Here’s what I mean by that:
You know that thing where you buy a new car and suddenly see it everywhere? That’s real. No, there’s not a sudden crop of new Subarus in your neighborhood identical to yours. But your brain, which needs a system to organize the kabillion (technical term) bits of information it gathers in a day, decides to focus on and notice whatever it is that you tell it to notice (if you actually do want to get technical Google “reticular activating system”). So your new car that’s all you can think about right now? Your brain is like, “OK got it, new car”, and now it’s seeking out, recognizing, and highlighting that new car for you at every turn.
And it’s the same with your goals.
If you tell your brain to look for evidence that you’re meeting your goal, that your process is working, that you’re making progress, your brain will find it. And if you tell it this is all for shit and nothing’s ever going to change, it will find evidence for that just the same.
For example, if you have a weight loss goal and the scale hasn’t budged, you may just quit right there because the scale is giving you evidence that your weight loss process isn’t working. But ask your brain to find other evidence that your weight loss process IS working, and then notice how you’ll start to see it everywhere…..
You didn’t take the 3rd slice of pizza like you usually would have…
Your jeans are fitting better, finally….
You’ve had that bag of M&Ms sitting in the drawer for over a week when you usually polish it off in a day…..
You had to move up to the next level in class because the weights you always use are suddenly too light for you now….
The evidence is all around to show you that what you’re doing is working, as long as you look for it. And when that evidence shows up, it can help reinforce thoughts you want to think, like,
“This is working”
“This is easier than I thought it would be”
“This might happen faster than I realize”
“This is totally doable for me”
“I want to keep going”
“This is exciting”
Those kind of thoughts plus actual evidence you’re seeing left right and center (because you told your brain to look for it, and your brain obliged), will lead to the kind of feelings you need to feel (motivation, optimism, excitement) that will then lead to the kind of actions you need to keep taking to reach your goal.
It’s actually that simple.
That doesn’t mean your new view and new thoughts make the physical world disappear. Yeah, you need to keep going when it’s hard. Yeah, you may need to make changes when things aren’t working like you planned. Yeah, you may need to make tweaks to accommodate circumstances that come up. And yeah, you’re human. You will have some bad days, and you will need to take a break when you’re tired.
But keep focusing on the evidence that your goal is getting closer and let that momentum carry you forward. It will be what helps you overcome the part of your brain that doesn’t like new. It will be what helps you overcome the well-meaning naysayers. It will be what helps you keep pushing when results aren’t happening as fast as you want.
It will be the key to your success.
What you’re doing is working, and change is worth it.
Just ask your brain.