Ep. 19: Becoming the You Who Has Everything You Want

It sounds like typical, unhelpful coaching advice to say, “You can have anything you want, you just need to think better thoughts”. But it turns out that’s true. In this episode Coach Stephanie will break down exactly how our thoughts create our results, and outlines a process anyone can use to create any change, make any pivot, and achieve anything they want. Buckle up, this is the most helpful episode yet for people looking to make their future the best it can be. 

Hey there, welcome to another episode of the I'm the Problem podcast. I am your host and coach, Stephanie Finigan, and today's episode is about becoming the you who has everything you want.

It is entirely possible to be the version of yourself who has everything you want, the life you want, the money you want, the body you want, the partner you want, the career you want, the family, the friends, all of it. It is completely possible. The only thing that gets in our way is our mindset.

And I know as soon as I say that people get up in arms because I used to too and sometimes I still do because we're all thinking about all of the circumstances in our lives that we think make it impossible for us to have what we want. Whether that's financial circumstances, whether that's where you grew up, whether that is race, gender, ethnicity, your education, your background, trauma you've been through, all of those things are facts. They're all circumstances. They're all very real and have real impact on us, but they don't have to be the reason we can't have what we want.

I acknowledge I make this statement as a straight white woman who has a tremendous amount of privilege based on those facts that I am a straight white woman. However, I know this because I've coached people with incredibly challenging backgrounds and circumstances and traumas and things that they've gone through, and I have coached them through their mindset challenges so that they can go get the career, the relationship, the fitness level, all of the things that they want. It is entirely possible.

And I have done this for myself in areas of my life where I have had my own challenges and thought I could never overcome certain things due to my past, due to circumstances in my own life. And I have overcome those things to have the relationship, the family, the money, the career, the things that I do want and always wanted and didn't think was possible for me. So with that, let's dive in.

Of course, given that my business is pivot coaching and I like to focus on helping people with a specific pivot, career, weight, money, relationships, personal habits, whatever it is that you want to change I like to focus on doing that through the lens of making your pivot So we're going to talk about becoming the you who has everything you want through that lens.

Where we're going to start is with this idea that who you think you are is who you are and You can always change who you are because you can always change your thoughts about that So we'll go through examples in the rest of this episode, but essentially what that means is that, look, if you think that you're somebody who's good with money, that is who you become. If you think you're somebody who's terrible at relationships, that is who you become. If you think you're somebody who can never lose weight, that is who you become. That's just how it works.

We have thoughts, they create feelings in our body. From those feelings, we act, and from our actions, we get our results. The key here is to look at who you are now, and then look at who you want to be in the future, and then decide on purpose to make shifts to move towards being that person.

So we tend to say things like, I wanna be here, I wanna do this, I wanna make that change, I wanna lose the weight, I wanna change my career, I wanna start the business, I wanna find the partner I want to leave this partner and have a whole new life. We tend to think about the things that we want that are different from where we are. But then we don't actually change our actions and we wake up two, three, five, ten years from now and nothing has changed.

I've had this experience where for years I wanted to get out of credit card debt and I kept thinking like, I really want to get out of credit card debt. I really want to get out of credit card debt. I really want to get out of credit card debt. And then I didn't change my actions. And so I continued to fall back into credit card debt.

It's very likely you have something in your life, if not many things, that are like this for you, where you're thinking, I really want to make this change, but you've been also thinking that same thought for the last two, three, five, ten years. It's also why people have the same New Year's resolutions over and over again and never quite make the change. We think we want to make change and then we don't actually take the action that we need to make to make that thing happen. And the reason why we don't take the action is because we don't do the thought work that we need to do in order to trigger our feelings and then trigger our actions to change. and then trigger our actions to change.

All of the practical actions, the steps, the to-dos, everything we need to do to make a change, it comes after we've done the thought work. That's why the thought work piece is so important. We always want to skip to the action, but we have to do the thought work first because from the thought work, that's where we change our feelings and then change our actions, which ultimately change our results.

And when we talk about doing the thought work about this, what I'm talking about here specifically is the idea of seeing yourself and feeling in your body the feeling of what it is to be the version of you who has everything you want, to be the version of you who makes the pivot. You have to see that version in your mind, you have to feel the vibration of that person in your body. And from there, when you can see yourself and feel yourself as that new version of you who has the thing you want, who's made the pivot that you want, who's in the new role, the new career, the new body, the new relationship, the new city, the new house, whatever it is, from there, you can then step into that new version of you on purpose. And you can even do that before you have any evidence that it's possible for you. And that's the key to all of this, is being able to see yourself and feel yourself as that new version of you that has what you want before you have any evidence for it. That's the key.

It sounds counterintuitive, I know, because we tend to think things like, I'll be happy once I have a new job. I'll feel good in my body once I lose the weight. I'll feel confident that I can find a partner once I have one. But the reality is you need to feel good in your body now. You need to feel happy in your job now. You need to feel confident that you can find the partner now. And from there you take the actions that you need to take to get the results that you want.

So here's how this works. Follow me here. If I've lost you or you don't believe it, just listen through this example I'm going to give because I think it's going to make it clear. We'll use the example of somebody who is working on becoming the version of herself that has everything that they want. In this example we'll say this person thinks, I want to become an author but I'm just not someone who can do that. So just like imagine that might be you. I want to become an author, I want to write books for a living but I'm just not someone who can do that. I have a response, I have all these responsibilities, I already have a career. I've never written before. It's crazy. All the thoughts that come with that. So a view of the thought, I want to become the author, but I'm just not someone who can do that. The feeling that that's going to trigger in your body is something maybe like defeated or disappointed. And from a place of feeling defeated or disappointed, and remember, feelings are vibrations in our body. So when you have a feeling, you can actually feel it. It actually happens in your body. The actions then that you take when you're feeling defeated or disappointed might be something like you Google other people who are doing it and you think, well, they did it, but I can't. They have all these advantages that I don't. You might stay where you are in terms of your work, your hobbies, how you manage your time. You probably don't dedicate any time to figuring out how to be an author or writing or researching how to become one. And you don't tell people that you're an author.

Basically, your actions are you don't do anything that makes you believe you could be an author. You do a lot of stuff that reinforces that thought that you just can't do it. You don't do the things you need to do to become an author. And the result is, you're not an author. That all stems from that thought, I wanna be an author, but I'm just not someone who can do that.

Now, if the same person, same life circumstances, same obligations, same current career, same everything, but if that same person has the thought, I wanna be an author and I'll figure out how to do it. Just that shift alone, just that small change in the thinking changes everything. Because from that place of saying, I want to be an author and I don't know how to do it, but I will figure it out. That then shifts to a feeling in your body of something like determined or motivated or excited. And from that place, from the place of feeling determined or feeling motivated, the actions you're gonna take are gonna be a lot different than the actions you take when you feel defeated or disappointed.

So if you're determined, you might still Google other people who have done it and think, oh, I can learn from them. You might find examples of people on Instagram who've transitioned to the career of an author and think like, okay, how did they do it? Let me look at that and learn from them. You're going to be looking at other people from a place of curiosity and not a place of disappointment. Maybe you'll make a list of people to contact to get you started. Maybe you'll research different paths to become an author. You will probably set aside time to write all the time, as much as you can. And you'll probably share your writing with other people. And you'll probably start telling people that you're an author. And the result is, if you take all those actions, you're gonna become an author.

This is why the thinking about yourself in a new way is so essential for any pivot that you want to make because it all starts from your thinking. You need to start thinking like the person who has what it is that you want in life in order to start taking the actions that will get you there.

So thoughts like, I can do that job even though I've never done it before. Thoughts like, I can take a pay cut and go after my dream. I can figure out how to live on less money. Thoughts like, I can go back to school. I really want to move into a different career and I need more education. I can go back to school. I can figure that out. I can move to a new city, even without a job. I'll figure out how to survive. I really want to do this, so I will get there. I can lose the weight for good, even if I've struggled for years. Why can't I? I'll just take a different approach. But if I really want to do this, I'll figure it out.

Starting to think like that is hugely important if you want to actually make your pivot, if you want to actually become somebody who has all of the things that you want. The key is this, whoever you want to be in the future is being created by actions you're taking right now. So if you want to be someone different in the future, you have to take different actions right now.

And as we just walked through, in order to take different actions, it starts with thinking different thoughts. That's how you're gonna change your future. That's how you're gonna become somebody who has everything you want.

That's how you're gonna make your pivot. So when we think about ourselves and who we are now versus who we wanna be, you wanna separate out the facts and the thoughts about yourself. So, facts about me. My birthday is April 5th. I have hazel eyes. I am 5'6". These are facts. We can prove them, and we can't change them. I can do nothing to change my birthday. I can't change my eye color, at least not without colored contacts, which I don't wear. I cannot change my height, right? This is just who I am.

I also have thoughts about me, like I love personal development work. I love coaching. I'm very moody. I'm a very moody person. I am a big reader. I love to read. I love working out. All of those things are thoughts I have about myself.

But notice, like, when we think of those type of characteristics, we think of those things as facts. We treat them like they're facts, like we can't possibly change them. And that's not true. I don't have to be this way. I don't have to love coaching. I don't have to be moody, despite how I feel certain days. I don't have to be that way. I don't have a diagnosis as a moody person.

I used to be somebody who didn't like dogs at all. It's not that I didn't like them, but I didn't have dogs. And so I was not a dog person. And it wasn't until I was like in my 40s that I became a dog person and now I love dogs. That's something that I would always just think, no, I'm not a dog person.

So I'm just giving you some silly examples, but like these are things that we like to think are facts about ourselves, but they're not, they're thoughts about us.

So this becomes really important when you want to make a pivot, because you might be thinking, like if you want to change careers, you might be thinking, well, I'm a teacher or I'm a coach or I'm an engineer, I work in nonprofits or I work in the beauty sector or I work in restaurants. If you want to change careers, you have to loosen your grip on those titles. And you do this with anything in your life. You have to loosen how much you might have wrapped your current self-identity around your profession or around your relationship status or around where you live or your finances. We can get ourselves really worked up into thinking that thoughts about ourselves are facts. They're not. And the more you can loosen the grip on that, the better. And the way you start to do that is first, just start by being aware that that's what you're doing.

Start by being aware of what is actually a fact about you and what is just your brain. Like, I like to think when it comes to thoughts, everything is written in pencil. So no, I can't change my birthday, but I can change my profession. I can change my marital status. I can change my finances. I can change my career. I can change pretty much everything. Everything is written in pencil. So this is all good news. If you're somebody who wants to make a pivot or somebody who wants to become the version of you who has everything that you want.

Okay, so what is the process? What is the process to change your thinking so that you can become the person who makes your pivot? So that you can become the person who has everything you want.

First and foremost, you just need to decide on purpose what the change is that you wanna make. That sounds painfully obvious, I know, but it's amazing how many people are just like, oh, I'm just unhappy. And then they just continue to sort of tread water where they are, and they just remain unhappy because they're not really sure exactly what they want to change. Or I get a lot of people coming to me for coaching that are like, I don't know where to begin. And so a lot of times on consults with people, they'll have a consult and they'll be like, I signed up for this consult, but I don't even know what to talk to you about because I want to change my career, but I also want to change my body and I also am spending too much. You know, I'm not happy in my partnership, my marriage. And so it's just kind of this general like, ah, everything's terrible. Right. So what do we change? And that's fine. Those are all solvable things. But what you want to do is just decide on purpose what the changes you want to make. Just choose one thing to start with. And it doesn't matter what. Put a bunch in a hat and pick one. Flip a coin. Just don't overthink it. Just choose one thing that you want to change and then just get really clear on what you want. Don't just say, I want to lose weight or don't just say, I wanted to change jobs. Like, get really clear on what does it look like on the other side.

Second, say it before you're ready. This one everyone hates, but do it. I promise you, it's a game changer. I was saying things like, I'm a life coach, long before my business made any money, because I had decided I was a coach. That's what I wanted to be, and that's what I decided I was. And the more I said it, the more I believed it. And then the more I believed it, the more actions I took related to my business and then from the more actions I took, the more success I had. That's how it works. So you just want to practice it. Be onto your brain because your brain is going to be like, yeah, but you're not a coach yet. You're not a this yet. You're not a that yet. You can't say that. It's not true. You absolutely can because you decide and you don't have to be delusional about it but what you can do is just say like no this is who I am now. This is the role that I'm stepping into. This is what I'm taking on. I am a coach. But just start saying it to yourself and practice it and be onto your brain. I remember first like when I met a few people that I had never met before and they really didn't know anything about me, they were acquaintances. And I remember them asking me what I did. And at the time, I had a full-time job and was coaching on the side. I just said, oh, I'm a coach. I have a business as a life coach. And it was the first time I said it out loud. It was the first time I hadn't led with my other career as a descriptor of who I was. And it was amazing. It was like very freeing to actually just say it out loud. So start saying that. Practice saying you are what you want to be. Remember, whatever you say after I am, that's what you create. So say it. I am a coach. I am a this. I am a that. I am blank. I am an extrovert. Say anything that you want to be because that is how you become that version of yourself.

Okay, number three, start visualizing it now. So this sounds a little bit woo-woo when we talk about this stuff, but it's really not. It's just saying, like, you want to start imagining yourself in the new role, in the new city, in the new relationship, in the new body, in the new financial situation. Like, you want to just imagine what that would be like. You want to journal about it. You want to think about it when you're out on a dog walk. You want to just really get clear in your mind of what that looks like. You can go onto Pinterest and make a board about what you will look like and be like and dress like and think like once you have and act like once you are there, once you have that thing. Just getting a visual of it is really, really helpful.

Number four, start to live into it. And this is from James Clear, who wrote that book, Atomic Habits, which everyone has read, and if you haven't, just do it. Because it's very helpful. But he says, who is the type of person that could get the outcome that I want? AKA, what would they do? Think about the type of person who has what you want in life, who's made the pivot that you wanna make. What would they do? And start making decisions from that place. So in step three, you're visualizing that person, you as that version. Now in step four, you're going to be thinking, how do I start acting like and living like that version of myself? Make decisions from that place. If you want to have your own business, ask yourself, how would an entrepreneur spend her time? How would she dress? How would she think? How would she spend her money? What choices would she make? How would she be spending her time on a Saturday? Start living into that.

Step five is just determine your next best step. This one you've probably heard me say before if you've followed me at all or listened to any other podcast. Because I love this. We get stuck in indecision. We get stuck trying to figure out, should I do this or that? Or I want to make this big pivot, but I don't know anything about how to get there and I don't know where to begin. Just take the next best step that you can think of. Set a time limit, make a decision about what that step is, and just take the step. Start taking action. And then from there, you can see if the action's working or not, evaluate it, and then you take more. But just take the next best step that you can think of. Action begets action, and action is what creates results. So do that.

And then finally, get around people who have this kind of thinking. This is so important, and I probably should have made this step one instead of the last step. You've probably heard this before. I know I've said this before because I've heard it from Tim Ferriss and others, but we're the average of the five people that we spend the most time with. I don't know if that's exactly true. If you look around, you probably see a lot of evidence of that being true. I know that I do. So get around other people who have done the things that you want to do and who think the way you want to think. If you want to change careers, get around other people who have changed careers and are doing what you want to do. If you want to move your entire family to a different country, get around people who've done that. And you don't have to physically get around them. We have the magical thing called the internet where you can find people who have done what you want to do. And you don't even have to engage with them if you don't want, but you can read about them and follow them and learn from them. Hopefully you will engage with them because they're doing the thing you want and that's a great resource. But get around mentally or actually logistically and physically, get around other people who've done what you want to do, who have the same mindset, who have this open-minded mindset of like, nope, you absolutely can be whoever you want to be despite your circumstances. You can change who you are no matter where you're starting from. It's possible. Obviously, this is a plug here too to get a coach. If you can't find those people or you need help, get a coach, me or somebody else, but get yourself around people who think that way. And if you can't hire a coach right now, then listen to free podcasts like this one or buy books or read blogs online, whatever it is, just get yourself consuming information from people who believe in you and believe that you can make these changes and can help you get there.

All right, that feels like a good note to end on, so I will wrap up this episode here, but just know that you absolutely can become who anybody that you want to be. You can become the version of you that has anything that you want. You absolutely can make your pivot. I know this. I've done it myself. I've done it for other clients. I would love to help you do it. So if you are interested in working together, I have a couple of different packages at the time of this recording. You can find them all over at makeyourpivot.co. As always, you can reach out to me at info at makeyourpivot.co with questions over email. You can find me on Instagram, pivot underscore coaching, or you can just go ahead and book a consult. I offer free 60-minute consults for anybody who is interested or curious about working together and who wants to see what coaching might be able to do for you. So go over to MakeYourPivot.co, all the info is there. Stay in touch. I want to hear from you. I want to hear about your pivot and I want to help you through it wherever you are in your process. All right. Have a great week, you guys. Have a great week, you guys.

I will catch you on the next episode.