Episode 10: More Vanderpump Rules and How to Actually Follow Through on Boundaries

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Setting boundaries is the first step, but actually following through when someone crosses your boundary is a whole other challenge - so this topic is getting a whole other episode! Building off of the previous episode about setting boundaries, and continuing to use examples from reality TV's favorite boundary-breakers, the cast of Vanderpump Rules, Coach Stephanie uses this episode to outline common reasons people struggle to following through on the boundaries they set, and how to overcome those challenges so that you can be someone who not only sets boundaries, but carries them out too.

Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of the I'm the Problem podcast. I'm your coach, Stephanie Finigan, and I am doing a continuation today of the podcast that I released last week, which was about Vanderpump Rules and setting boundaries. So if you haven't listened to last week's episode yet on the correct way to set boundaries, I would suggest to go back and listen. The episode's only about 10 minutes long. It'll give you a really great primer on what we typically think of as setting boundaries and why that actually isn't correct, as well as how to go about setting a boundary in a way that is correct. And when I say correct, what I mean is in a way that's actually going to help you. So go back and listen to that episode if you haven't.

But I'm just going to pick up here for this episode because the interesting part about setting boundaries is that it's like a two-part problem. First is learning to correctly set the boundary, which again is what last week's episode was about. But the second issue is that you actually then need to be somebody who follows through on the boundary you set. And that's the part where most of us get really tripped up. So that's what I wanted to focus on for this week's episode.

As you know, if you've been listening on this podcast, I like to use examples from my own life or examples from my clients when I talk about the problems that we're working to overcome. In this case, instead of using myself as an example or a client example, I'm gonna continue to use Vanderpump Rules cast members as an example just because it was kind of fun last week. So I'm gonna do it again.

So when it comes to boundaries, yes, you can learn how to set them, but it's the follow through that tends to be the hardest part for people. Why is this the case? I'll break this down. There's really two big reasons and then throughout the rest of the episode, I'm gonna give you specific examples of those reasons and then we'll talk about how to overcome these challenges.

So the two big reasons people run into trouble when it comes to actually following through on their boundaries. Number one is a fear of upsetting someone else or disappointing someone else by enforcing the boundary. This is otherwise known as people-pleasing. We're worried we're gonna piss somebody off. We're worried we're gonna disappoint somebody and we'd rather just please the other person and avoid any potential tension or conflict that we think might happen, rather than carry through on the boundary, even if it's something that we really want. We tend to assume conflict is going to happen, and then choose to avoid it by not enforcing the boundary. So that's number one. That's usually the reason that people struggle to follow on their boundaries.

The other reason is that there's a fear of doing the thing or a fear of actually becoming the version of you who does the thing you say you're gonna do. So this one is a little bit less obvious because we're not always aware that we're doing this, but essentially when you enforce a boundary, you are then taking a different step in a relationship with somebody, whether it's a personal boundary, a professional boundary. Think about it like you've been walking forwards and all of a sudden you decide to impose a boundary, which means you are gonna kind of step to the right. And that's a surprise for the person that you're dealing with. It also means you are actually taking a different direction. You are acting in a different way. Setting and following through on the boundary, if it's something you're not used to doing, can feel like you're doing something that's really outside your comfort zone. And so a lot of us struggle to actually step into that role of being the person who does stick with their boundaries and does enforce them. And that can be uncomfortable. And as we know, if something is uncomfortable, our brains want us to avoid it. Our brains do not like new, they do not like discomfort. So that's the other thing that people really struggle with when it comes to enforcing boundaries is just feeling uncomfortable becoming the version of themselves who actually does.

Okay, so as we go through the rest of the episode, just keep those two things in mind and start to just kind of see if you notice that one or both of those things come up for you if you're somebody who struggles to enforce a boundary that you set. Okay? All right. As we talked about in the last episode, a boundary is when you say, hey, person X, you get to do whatever it is that you want to do. But if you do this thing, I am going to do A, B, and C. So it's really about taking ownership and making the actual creating of the boundary something that's about you, not about the other person. You're really taking your power back in that case. You're not saying, please, can you just do something differently? Or I'm setting a boundary, which means I'm going to ask you to do something differently. It's not like that, because we can't control what other people do. What you can say is, this is what I see you doing. I want you to do X, or I want you to stop doing X. And if you don't, then I am going to do ABC. I will be taking a different action. That's how you set a boundary that's actually going to be effective.

So the specific example I'll use here, and I'll do a Vanderpump tie-in, is that in this current season of Vanderpump Rules, and even if you don't watch Vanderpump Rules, I'm 100% sure you've heard something about Scandaval in the last year, but essentially, Ariana, who is the girlfriend or former girlfriend of a cast member named Tom Sandoval. Tom Sandoval cheated on his girlfriend Ariana with another cast member and it created this big like national shitstorm, you may remember. So Ariana has set a boundary in this season of the show and her boundary is, look, I'm not going to tell other people, I'm not going to tell other cast members that they can't be friends with Tom anymore, that they can't hangout with Tom anymore. What I am going to do is say, if you are friends with Tom, I am going to choose to not be friends with you anymore. I don't want him in my circle, I don't want him in my life, I don't want him to have access to me, that's what she has said, and so her boundary is, you do whatever you want, I'm just telling you, if you decide to remain friends with him, then I will be ending my friendship with you. You can agree or disagree, but that's actually a very clear boundary, and she's done a good job of setting it.

The reality is this: if anybody were to set and follow through on a boundary like that, which it seems like Ariana's doing, it's not going to be easy, because in following through with a boundary like that, Ariana is probably going to upset some other people. She may lose some friends. We're already seeing, if you're up to speed on this season, that Scheana, who's another cast member, she seems to be sort of making moves towards becoming friends with Tom again. And Ariana seems to be readying herself to say to Scheana, hey, you can do that, but you and I will no longer be close friends if that's the case. It's not easy to enforce the boundary.

I don't think it's easy to not worry about what other people will think. And we could unpack the whole thoughts create your feelings and you can't impact another person's feelings. I believe all of that, but the reality is like, as we go through our day-to-day lives, it's really hard to say, I'm gonna enforce a boundary that may impact the way another person thinks or feels and not care about it.

You might've heard me talk about this or coach about this before, but you're not gonna hear me say like, don't worry about what other people think as if, like, that's so easy to do. I think it's important to learn to not worry what other people think. I think it's important to exercise that muscle, but I'm just not going to pretend that it's easy for most of us to do in an everyday situation. It's something you have to practice at. Just acknowledging that is really important because then at least you're saying, whatever boundary I'm setting, I acknowledge, like, it will be uncomfortable. It may be difficult. It may even be painful to do this. It doesn't mean you don't do it. It just means you're aware that there might be some emotional challenges when it comes to setting that boundary. As I imagine, Ariana is aware of when she's thinking about setting a boundary that may impact some of her friendships.

So that being said, you still get to choose. You get to choose to do anything you want. In this case, Ariana can choose to follow through with her boundary and not be close friends with Scheana or anybody else anymore. She could also choose to not follow through with that boundary and say, okay, you know what? Nevermind, we can still be friends even though you're friends with Tom. We like to say in coaching, make any choice you want, just like your reason. So for you, if you're setting a boundary with somebody, you might choose that you'd rather avoid a potential tension or a potential conflict with someone that you anticipate might happen, rather than actually following through with the boundary that you set. And your reason for that choice might be, I don't like conflict and I'm afraid that this is gonna create a conflict.

Okay, that's your choice. You can choose to not enforce the boundary.

Many people choose to not follow through on a boundary because they're worried about what other people will think or feel. It's very normal. It's just not necessarily that useful. Because the problem with doing this is that you end up spending an awful lot of time just playing defense. You're basically spending your life kind of dancing around what somebody else might think or what they might do or what they might say. You're trying to always anticipate what somebody else might think or do or say because you never really know how someone's going to react in a situation before you enforce a boundary. We always think we can read people's minds, but we can't.

I'll give an example here from my own life really briefly. I currently have a situation going on that's pretty emotional and pretty challenging. And I often talk to my dad about it. My dad is a sounding board for me about a lot of things. And my dad, as a loving parent, gets very emotional and worked up when I talk about this particular situation. He gets as worked up as I do. At one point though, I had to say to him, dad, if you keep having a big emotional reaction, then I can't talk to you about this anymore because I then have to manage my own feelings as well as your feelings, right? I end up doing a lot of like, no, no, it'll be okay, when I just really want to sit in my feelings and be upset and share them and vent to my dad. When I set that boundary, I wasn't sure if my dad would be upset about it or not understand what I was saying. You know, he's a boomer. They didn't grow up talking a lot about boundaries, right? But he immediately understood and he's like, yep, okay, I got it. And since then, he's been nothing but just a good place for me to vent and a sounding board for me and he's kept his emotions in check while I'm around and expressed them to other people if he needs to just so that he can be there for me in the way that I have asked him to be.

I say that just to say we always assume we know how other people are gonna react, particularly when we're setting a boundary. We're like, oh, they're gonna get so mad. They're gonna say this. They're gonna do that. Sometimes it's really worth giving the people in your life the benefit of the doubt. And just assume that they're going to be able to respect your boundary, rather than not actually enforce the boundary simply because you're scared of a potential reaction that they might have.

So, all that said, if you are making the decision to not follow through on a boundary because you're afraid of what might happen with the other person, you're afraid of the potential tension or the conflict. We think we're taking the easier way out. But this choice to not follow through on your boundary because you're afraid of somebody else's reaction is actually the harder choice to take. The reason is you're just going to spend forever trying to manage how someone else feels. And this is exhausting and it's also impossible. Managing how somebody else feels and trying to make sure that person is okay all the time, it's like running water through a cup with a hole in the bottom. You can't possibly fill up that cup because we can't ever crack inside somebody's brain and know everything they're thinking. We can't always correctly anticipate every move someone's going to make, no matter how well we know them.

Even if you get it right, like, 50% of the time, it's a fucking exhausting way to live. Pretzeling yourself and not respecting your own boundaries and wishes just to try and take a guess at what might make them happy. It's exhausting me just saying the words. Also, you might be avoiding conflict with another person, but you're actually creating a conflict within yourself. Because now you haven't followed through on your boundary. And now you have to deal with the ramifications of that.

So back to Ariana as the example, if she doesn't follow through on her boundary with her friends, and if she allows, for example, Scheana to be friends with Tom again, and then she continues to be close friends with Scheana as well, so again ignoring her own boundary, now she's gonna have this internal conflict all the time, wondering, you know, does Scheana, is Scheana talking to Tom about me? Does Tom know stuff about my life that I don't want him to know? It's gonna be a constant noise in her head, and it doesn't need to be there. If she just stuck to her boundary, it wouldn't have to be there.

The other thing that happens when you decide to not follow through on a boundary in order to avoid the potential stress or conflict that could come, is that you're actually shortchanging yourself in respect to your relationship with that other person, because you're not actually letting that other person get to know you. You're putting on this facade about who you are. So by following through on the boundary, you're actually showing someone who you really are as opposed to showing up as like this fake version of yourself that's cool with something that you're actually not. It's a much faster route to an authentic relationship with somebody, and it's amazing how many other things can improve in a relationship when someone is allowed to get to know the real you.

So for all of those reasons, it does not make sense for you to continue to go through life setting boundaries and not enforcing them. You can admit it's hard, this is uncomfortable, I don't like this, but I can do this even if it's hard. I know Glennon Doyle always says, I can do hard things, because it's like, yeah, no, I don't like setting boundaries. I don't like following through on boundaries. But you know what else? I don't like the behavior of this other person. I don't like this what this other person is saying or I don't like how they're treating me and therefore I'm putting up the boundary. So you cannot like your situation and just pretend that it's okay because you're scared to set a boundary or you cannot like the uncomfortable feeling of setting the boundary and then just setting the boundary anyway.

So one other piece I want to touch on here, which I mentioned at the start, is just that fear of becoming the new version of you. So if we look at Ariana now, just as a final touch back to Vanderpump Rules, you know, she's not only on Vanderpump Rules, but she's now also on Broadway. And she is, has all these endorsement deals, and she has all this stuff happening for her as a result of being somebody who sets and follows through on her boundaries. That's how she's managed to get through this very public breakup, and she's managed to move forward in a way that actually has been really positive for her, at least from what we can see, because she's been setting boundaries and sticking to them. It's cool to watch that happen because it's cool to see an example of somebody, particularly a woman, who's not afraid to piss people off, and instead is sticking very firmly to her boundaries and is being rewarded for it professionally, financially, and in other ways. So you can agree or disagree with how Ariana's handling this whole thing, but the point is she's doing an excellent job of setting a boundary and following through with it. And in doing that, she's really stepping into this new version of herself.

All right, now finally, the way you get over all of this, the way you get over the fear of being that person, the way you get over the fear of conflict or tension that might happen. Essentially, in order to get better at following through on your boundaries, you need to start following through on your boundaries. It's just that simple. It's like shooting free throws. You can read books about it all day long, but if you don't actually get out there on the court with a ball and start shooting, you will never get better at it. And it's the same here.

So start small. Choose a boundary that's small. Choose a boundary that's simple, set it and follow through. Okay? Start noticing every time you do that. Notice when it gets hard. Notice when it's easy. Notice that each time you do it, it's like going to the gym and lifting weights you are building that muscle. Just reps. Do more reps. You will build the muscle. That's what you need to do in order to get more comfortable with this, because really the only way to get comfortable is to actually start doing it.

And finally I will just leave you with this thought that once you start becoming that person it is actually very fucking cool. It really is. Becoming the version of you that has really authentic relationships with people because they know exactly where you stand, that's really cool. Becoming the version of you who isn't spending a ton of time and mental energy dancing around other people's feelings and trying to anticipate how somebody might react to something, that's very cool. It's very cool to take all that mental energy and use it towards something else rather than just worrying about how somebody else is gonna react to something.

There's literally no downside to trying this, just testing out, setting, and following through with your boundaries, there's no downside to it. If you want some inspo, obviously, you can go back and check out Vanderpump Rules if you're not a fan already. But if you want some more help with this, we can, of course, talk further. You can head over to MakeYourPivot.co and sign up for a free consult with me. I also do free email coaching, and this might be a great opportunity for you to try free email coaching because you can just send me any questions that you have about this podcast or any questions you have about setting and following through with boundaries. You can also just send me the example of what's going on. You could say, hey, I'm trying to set a boundary with my boss or my mother-in-law or my, you know, my partner or whatever. This is the situation and I'm having trouble following through on the boundary. And we can coach about it via email. All of that is free. I do free email coaching for anybody. You do not need to be a client of mine. So you can learn more about that over at makeyourpivot.co or just shoot me an email at pivotcoachingq that's Q-U-E-U-E at pivotcoachingqueue@gmail.com. And if you're ready to dive in further of course you can find more information about working with me formally one-on-one on my website as well. All right guys I hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope it was useful. Boundaries are a tricky topic I know but honestly learning to set them and carry them out is one of the best skills that you can learn, especially if you're somebody who's trying to carve out a new path in your life, which I know if you're listening to this podcast or if you follow Pivot Coaching, might be something that you're trying to do.